Candyland. Chocolate Sauce. Hemoglobin. by Ash Kennedy One night in sunny old London, Damon Salvatore and Matt Honeycutt were sitting in a pub playing a round of Candyland: Genius Edition. Matt had just gotten stuck in the molasses blob thing for failing to answer the question "What kind of stupid goddam story is this?" correctly. While he was struggling with trying to find a way out, Damon was rifling through the color coded game cards and staring at the pretty pictures of .erm, I dunno what they're called but they always appeared to be people made from candy. Anyway, doing this was making him hungry and thus he proposed an idea to Matt. But not before he had another shot of Sambucca. "We should stop playing this silly children's game and make some fudge logs," he said, knocking back the alcohol and tossing away the shot glass. It hit somebody in the head and cracked their skull but nobody gave a shit because they weren't a character in the story. "You mean we should engage in anal sex?" Matt mumbled around a mouthful of red plastic. It was his game piece. "Right author, Wrong fanfiction. Besides, it isn't what I meant." "Can't we do it anyway?" "Oh, alright." Damon and Matt engaged in anal sex. On top of the game board. Which was on top of a table. Which was in a Pub. Which was in London. Which was.Damon and Matt are were back in their hotel room. They made the fudge logs, ate them, but it just wasn't enough to satisfy their animalistic cravings. "We need.." Damon said, licking the last traces of fudge from his fingers. "Yes?" Matt asked. "A pot of." "uh huh, uh huh?" "chocolate sauce!" "Oh yeah!" The two of them ran about the kitchen like mad dogs gathering ingredients and cooking ware. Matt set up a water bath on the stovetop and Damon poured a bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips into a pot and then set it into the bath water. They watched, awed, as the chocolate morsels melted into a goopy brown paste. "Whee, they're melting! Oooo!" Matt shouted. "This means we should engage in anal sex again." "All you think about is anal sex and you're not even gay." "Then why am I sharing a hotel room with you?" "Because you want to. I'm not gay either." "But we just had anal sex." Matt snickered. "Anal sex, anal sex, ANAL SEX!" Damon slapped Matt in the head and Matt went ANAL SEX.I mean. OOF. "I can only explain this to you in two words," Damon explained to him in many words. "Mr. Ashke." Matt lifted the metal pot full of melted chocolate and put it down on the table. He began to remove all his clothing, humming the tune to Chariots of Fire whilst doing so. "Oh, him. He scares me with those.things he does." Matt paused, now fully naked. "ANAL SEX!" he screamed and reached into the pot. "Oh god no, he's.got me!" Matt pulled his arm back and let a glob of melted chocolately sauce with marshmallows that I didn't mention before fly in the general direction of Damon. Damon got hit smack in the face and it was like in those live action Disney movies when all you can see through the dirt/cake/mud/paint is the victim's eyes. Damon was naked too then and they started wrestling and the chocolate sauce got all over the place and somehow most of it got on their bodies and it was like mud wrestling only with chocolate sauce and I'm really fucking lazy or I would be more descriptive and then their bodies were covered in the goop whoops I said that and they fought for choclately supreme but all Matt wanted to do was have anal sex so they had anal sex but the chocolate was bad lubricant and chafing was always an issue in the whole five minutes that it took their pathetic arses and suddenly this guy was in the room and Damon was vampirically hungry now so he beat the man up with a dead fish a smacka cracka smacka and drank all the yummy blood and it went down well with the chocolate sauce hemoglobin is better then milk and by now I've lost all my literate readers so I hope they can forgive me for this very tasteless story and then Matt and Damon were outside and people were screaming about the two naked men covered in a choclately substance wrestling in the middle of the street and suddenly the two of them stopped and realized where they were so they ran around with their pot of chocolate sauce and dumped it on peoples' cars and windows and babies and poodles and even on the live naked girls in the nudie booths but don't ask how those come into the story. ANAL SEX! The end. Ah, that's not really the end. Damon Salvatore and Matt Honeycutt sat at their hotel room table in the kitcheny area playing a round of Hungry Hungry Hippos: Millenium Edition. Damon was losing, his hippo's neck broken from him pounding on the lever too hard. While he was struggling to keep on getting it to work, Matt had given up and was watching him, enraptured. "Fudgy, fudgy, fudgy," he muttered. Damon stopped pounding his lever and looked up, one eyebrow raised. "What?" Matt giggled. "ANAL SEX!" he shouted, and then dumped a pot of chocolate sauce on Damon's head. It didn't have marshmallows. THE END.