The Highway is for Gamblers
by idolatrie
Matt thinks:
Summer is unbearable. Summer is the girlfriend who left you for your best friend. Summer is the heat pressing in on all sides. Summer is the noisy house full of children who clatter and clang and make too much noise. Summer is the laughter of children who don't understand that no matter what you do, somehow you're going to lose anyway.
Matt thinks:
Get over yourself.
Matt thinks:
Summer is a scholarship for a college on the other side of the country. Summer is the chance to start out again, new and fresh, with nothing from this stupid town. Summer is a roll of the dice and burnt rubber on the interstate roads.
***
Matt thought he recognised the two girls holding hands by the road, with a battered suitcase at their feet. He slowed as he approached, winding down his window.
‘Hey stranger, can we catch a ride?' Bonnie's tone was mischievous and Matt couldn't help but smile back. He wanted to shout out no, to reply that he had no room for baggage and memories and most of all, not for her best friends. But he didn't do things like that.
‘Sure,' he said instead, ‘where'ya headed?'
***
Matt had always been too aware of Elena's independence, had tried to never encroach upon her right to do whatever she wanted. He thought it was showing her respect and giving her freedom. He thought if you loved something enough, you'd let it go and be free to come back. The only problem was Elena seemed to much rather the old-fashioned sensibilities of Renaissance men. Not getting her way had inflamed her passion for Stefan, and well, Matt had to admit Elena never really had any passion for him at all, let alone an inflamed one.
***
Matt thinks:
The girls had been quiet in the back seat for a while, so presuming they were asleep wasn't that out of place. You sneak a glance at them in the review mirror anyway, because you are learning that you can never look at them too many times. Meredith's head is tucked into Bonnie's shoulder, body angled towards hers. Bonnie's arms in turn are all around Meredith, holding her secure. You can't help but smile a bit at them curled up around each other like kittens in a patch of sunlight.
Your attention is almost back on the road when you hear a murmur, or perhaps the softest of whimpers. You check them again to make sure it's nothing you should begin to worry about, but everything looks fi--oh. Holy fuck. No way. You must be seeing things. Shame on you for imagining that. You blink, but it doesn't change, Bonnie's hand is still down Meredith's pants, and now that you've noticed it, the hand is obviously moving. Very slowly, like it's making small circles, then goes in a bit more, exploring something--deeper. Oh god, you know you should stop looking. They are consensual adults and all, but more than that, they're your friends and you owe them the privacy--as you see Bonnie's wrist moving back and forth, and sweet jesus there's another whimper from Meredith, half-muffled against an arm--and you feel like an utter pervert, watching them like this.
Their eyes are still closed, but both have their mouths open slightly now, breathing shallow and discreet. Meredith's hips are moving slightly now, pressing forward against Bonnie's hand and in the half-movements you can read the lines of urgency that surround them, dampened but undeniable. The hand is faster now, faster still, and you can't look away, not for anything in the world. You're not sure what's harder right now, your cock or your white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel. A gasp, and there's completely stillness between them, the muscles visible along Meredith's neck are held taut, hips pressed hard against Bonnie's thigh. Breathing patterns are ragged now, and you suspect yours has joined the uneven beat. Damn. Just focus on the road, yes, the nice predictable, very unsexy road. Find the nearest rest stop and a bathroom, and between now and then, just keep breathing.
***
‘So--when are we going to have sex?' Bonnie's question comes when they are stopped at a diner, and Matt abruptly chokes on his burger. After coughing gracelessly for a minute, he peers up at the girls sitting opposite him with blurred eyes.
‘Excuse me?' There's no way she just asked that, Matt thought, I must be so hard up I'm hearing things now.
‘When are we going to have sex, the three of us?' Ok, so maybe she did, Matt's mental voice unhelpfully amended. Both Bonnie and Meredith regarded him with blandly innocent looks.
‘Um--we were going to--together?' As lost as Matt was feeling, he couldn't miss the hurt and rejection that flashed through their eyes. That was one emotion he wished no-one else had to experience. ‘I mean, I thought you two were--' he made a vague gesture between them. Bonnie giggled in that artlessly charming way of hers, and Meredith smiled softly, her expression making Matt think of melted chocolate.
‘We are, but we were waiting for you to join,' Meredith started.
‘But we didn't want to rush you into it--us.' Bonnie finished. Matt found himself in danger of blushing embarrassingly.
‘Oh? Yeah, um, that's--jesus, as if any guy would turn you two down!' Matt's brain was still trying to reconnect the connections that had fused with that little invitation.
‘But we don't want ‘any guy' in our bed,' Meredith replied before shooting a sidelong glance at Bonnie, who took her cue.
‘We want you.' Matt couldn't stop the grin he was sure was utterly goofy spreading across his face.
‘Right. Well. Excellent.' That earned him a repeat of the tinkling laugh and the sweet smile, so he thought the embarrassment of his awkwardness was worth it.
‘So then,' Meredith's smile had turned sharper, slyer, as she pulled out the map, laying it out over their half-finished meal, ‘where do you want to do it?'
***
Matt thinks:
Desire is the sight of Bonnie's skin in the moonlight. Desire is the sound of Meredith choking back a moan as you enter her. Desire is the taste of Meredith's fingers after they were inside Bonnie. Desire is the smell of Bonnie's hair as she arches back against you. Desire is the touch of Meredith's hands guiding you into Bonnie.
Matt thinks:
Desire has two names.
***
It is Matt's turn to reserve the motel room next. He knows Bonnie and Meredith are within hearing distance of the front desk, so when the inevitable question of ‘only one room?' comes, he entirely blames his response on their corruptive influence.
‘Yeah, we're all on a romantic getaway holiday.' He didn't quite expect the snort of disbelief from the receptionist, and the ‘don't worry, the sofa folds out,' directed behind him towards the girls. He is, however, polite enough to not smirk until he joins a laughing Meredith and Bonnie outside.
***
Meredith liked to make confessions in the mornings, when it is still dark outside. Sometimes it is about small things, like ‘I ate the last peanut butter sandwich' or ‘I'm scared of shellfish.' Sometimes it is bigger things, like ‘I hated Stefan in the beginning for the way he made Elena look so silly without even trying' or ‘I went down on Caroline during the holidays when Elena was in France.' Matt thought it was funny how everything about the three of them could be traced back to Elena. They spiralled out from her, The Ex-Boyfriend, The Best Friends, titles that related them back to their centre.
Matt suddenly didn't want Elena in the motel room with them. He tightened the arm he had around Meredith's shoulder. Bonnie hadn't woken with Meredith's whispering, but he still moved his mouth to Meredith's ear to repeat her name, over and over, trying to erase away the lines sketched around their half-finished shapes. ‘Meredith,' he said, part prayer and part benediction, pressing the word into her skin, ‘Meredith, Bonnie, Meredith.'
Bonnie woke languorously, stretching out of the sprawl she was in atop the two of them, curling and uncurling her fists, jaw cracking into a painfully wide yawn before slowly blinking her eyes open. Matt envied the fact she never looked surprised at seeing the faces of her two bed mates; he still was met each morning with a jolt of disbelief.
Bonnie liked to touch skin when she woke up, so her hands would quest up their bodies until they rested against a bare arm, or a neck. Her mouth would follow after them, brushing dry, chaste kisses fleetingly across wherever she chose. She was always the first one to lever herself off the bed, stumbling to the bathroom to splash cold water across her face, not quite coherent until her morning routine was complete.
Matt learns that Bonnie tends to fall asleep first, and that Meredith tends to wake up first, and that he doesn't mind being in the middle at all.
***
Even though his eyes were closed, Matt could still see the dappled patterns of the light filtered by branches dancing across his vision. Everything seemed soft and muted, comfortable and warm. He could hear the girls in the distance, splashing water at each other in the stream. He shifted his position stretched out on the grass, the blades tickling his arms and neck. Voices drifted over, teasing tones marking playful annoyance.
‘Stop it, you're getting me all wet,' the vowels were dragged out, followed by an answering tinkle of splashed water. A shriek of laughter.
‘You're not getting away with that!' carefree singsonging, feet splashing through a stream.
‘Just watch it, missy, my boyfriend will come over here and deal with you,' indignance spoiled by gasping laughter.
‘Oh yeah? Well, mine will come too and then you'll see what he'll do with you!' A pause in the dialogue. ‘I think said boyfriend is missing his cue,' wafts over, louder than the rest of the conversation. Matt smiled almost involuntarily and pulled a clump of grass under where his hand lay, tossing it towards the voices.
‘I think our boyfriend is coldly ignoring our plight,' was thrown back, ‘obviously lazing in the sun is more important than our well being.'
Matt was still coming to terms with seeing Bonnie and Meredith as girlfriends of his, rather than girls who are friends. He suspected it was mostly because they'd been Elena's friends more than his, and well, he hated himself for thinking this, but you are dating the ‘queen', you'd hardly look at her ‘ladies-in-waiting'.
The ensuing silence was provocative enough to rouse Matt from his sprawl, curious as to what they found to occupy their attention. Looking over to where they stood, he felt the air abruptly whooshing out of his lungs.
They stood pressed together; pale, thin sundresses soaked and clinging to each curve, each line. The afternoon sun silhouetted their bodies, reds and golds edging their outlines merged inseparable by their embrace. Legs tangled, arms looped around necks, bellies pressed flush against the other's. Mouths surging together, retreating, teasing.
He suspects he must have made some kind of sound, because they both turn to look at him then, not stopping their touching and stroking hands and tangling tongues. It's like there isn't enough air left to breathe when their eyes lock, and Matt has a strange, wrenching feeling of being in two places at once. He knows he is still lying on the grass, halfway between the stream and the car. But he's also right there with the girls, between them and around them and within, without, everywhere.
Even though he's been in bed with both of them, even though he knows how the inside of Bonnie's elbow tastes, and the feel of Meredith's breath on his stomach, even though he's watched Meredith's fingers stroking inside Bonnie and Bonnie's hands mapping out Meredith's thighs, he realised he'd never thought of them together before. It was always Bonnie and Meredith. But now, watching their bodies entwining, he somehow felt closer to them than even when he lay between their panting, sweating bodies. Because it was BonnieMeredithBonnieMeredith snaking like a ribbon along his limbs, an electrifying feeling of possessiveness, of minemineminemine. But it wasn't for either one of them, it was for them together, them and him, all tied up in a knotted bundle, tangled and insensible and all-consuming.
***
Like an itch under his skin, Matt knew that he had to do something, make a gesture to show that he really finally got it, but knowing it was there didn't mean he could reach it and actually scratch. They had split up to wander through the farmers market set up just off the highway and he had spent the entire time looking for something he could give the girls, to show them that they had him now, that he was theirs. But this was a growers market, and there was nothing that would work - giving them lemons wasn't quite the message he wanted to send. He was about to give up when he saw a new load of produce being offloaded from a truck. The wooden crates were full of cherries all tied up with red raffia. Perfect, Matt thought at his sudden stab of inspiration, feeling very pleased with himself.
He wasn't feeling so confident with his idea now, with the girls standing in front of him looking at him expectantly as he switched his weight from one foot to the other.
‘Um--d'ya remember when we did Ancient China in history? And that story about the guy and his girl and how they were connected by a red thread? Well, I thought, since we're--' Matt knew he was blushing now, so he just thrust the fist that was holding the three bits of raffia forward and gave up on words. They had been in the same class, after all. There was a slight pause, before Bonnie's voice was layering on top of Meredith's, ‘gosh Matt, you're such a cheeseball!' ‘that's so so so corny!' but he was looking at their faces instead, which couldn't stop smiling, and their hands that were grabbing at the strings and fighting over tying his around his wrist and trying to get him to tie their's first.
Meredith drove them back on the I 81, Matt next to her and Bonnie stretched out on the back seat. Matt reached behind to get some water and saw Bonnie stroking a finger along the new bracelet, eyes closed and peaceful.
***
Matt thinks:
Summer is the perspiration that collects in the small of Meredith's back and the crease of Bonnie's neck. Summer is lying spreadeagled on the top of the car just as the sun is setting and feeling the warmth of the day rising up through the metal. Summer is the stale bottled water stacked in the boot that's just still cold enough to feel like respite. Summer is closing your eyes and still seeing the sun. Summer is not wanting this moment to end.
***
Matt's been pacing around the room for what feels like an eternity now. Bonnie is curled up in the single armchair, fingers twisting into themselves and hair falling all over her face trying to cover her lips twitching something that's not quite a prayer, not quite a plea. Somehow Meredith slipped out that morning without waking either of them, left a note saying she'd be back by dinner, and spent the day unaware they had both gone out of their minds with irrational fear.
The knock, when it comes, startles them both. Matt opens the door with Bonnie hovering over his shoulder. Meredith's face is drawn, lips compressed into a thin line.
‘Please don't say anything. Because I thought it would be a good thing, at first. That it would really help. But now I don't know, and I really really need to panic,' Meredith's first words to them did nothing to allay their fears.
She sat down abruptly on the bed and faced them both.
‘I got a letter about a month ago. It was from Professor Schumann at UCLA, he'd read the research paper I'd sent as part of my application and offered me an interview to be his research assistant on his next project. And that I was accepted there. I didn't tell anyone, because it was just, you know, an interview. Not the job. So if I didn't get it, then no harm, no foul, you know? Nothing would change.'
Meredith trailed off, looking at Bonnie. ‘If I didn't get it, I was going to stay closer to where you'd go. But--.' She steeled herself. ‘But he told me today, after the interview, that he had already decided. I got the job. And that there's also this grant, that maybe, if he's happy with how I work, I might be able to get next year. I can't possibly turn this down. But Bonnie, I don't want to leave you like this, and with Matt here, and I--and it's not going to work without you, Bonnie, I don't want to have to make this choice...'
Matt cut in before either of them could say anything more. ‘I was thinking actually, it's not like I can't go somewhere closer to home. I could see what the more local colleges would offer me. I didn't really pay attention to them before because I wanted to...I wanted to get away. But now, if it'll give us a proper chance, I don't mind...'
Meredith jumped back in. ‘Yes, I could do that too. With this offer that I've got here, maybe Virginia State or University of Virginia could match it. Or something like that. It doesn't have to be here, really.'
Bonnie looked at them oddly. ‘Are you both insane?' She shook her head, ‘The last thing I ever wanted is for either of you to give up the best damn opportunities you've been given, especially not because of me.'
'You shouldn't be the one making the sacrifices for us--' Meredith continued.
Bonnie cut her off. ‘Yes, part of this would be for both of you. Because I want to be with you, because that makes me happy. But it's also for me. Do you think I don't want to leave Virginia behind too? I mean, I know it's home, and it'll always be home. But there's a point where you have to, you know, move on. I want my freedom and opportunities to lead me wherever they will, and I don't think I'll find that in college, anywhere. It's scary, wanting that, because I've never had to be completely responsible for myself. But I want to try, and having you two with me would make it a helluva lot easier. And well, most of all--' Bonnie turned her face away from them and tugged at the red string around her wrist. ‘I want this to mean something,' she finished, quiet as a whisper.
***
They were both curled up against him on the bed. No-one had said much after Bonnie's monologue; dinner had been a subdued event of burgers and chips to make up for the fact they were splurging on a hotel room. There was a momentary hesitation when getting ready for bed, none of them quite making eye contact, before Matt crawled into the middle, arms spread at his sides. Bonnie and Meredith joined him after that, hands linking across his stomach, part tentative, part apology.
‘We could get an condo or something,' Matt broke the silence, ‘I mean, we'd have to rent at first, but if we pool resources I reckon we could save enough for a deposit pretty soon. And by that time, with Bonnie in a steady job, we'd probably be able to secure a decent mortgage, and Meredith's already got her assistant position, and I could probably find some part-time work, so we'll manage it. And it'll be a good investment, since we know Meredith'll be studying out here for a while, and well, the USC Trojans is a known feeder team for the 49ers, so there's a chance I'll make it good out here too. So if Bonnie's happy here, then, you know, it could work.' Matt lowered his eyes from his contemplation of the ceiling in time to catch Meredith's thoughtful nod.
‘Sounds about possible. I mean, it'll be tight for a while. But it could work.' Meredith's voice was soft but certain.
‘Yeah, it really could work,' Bonnie echoed them breathlessly both before half-crawling over Matt to reach Meredith's mouth with her own. Even winded by Bonnie's elbow pressing down, Matt felt himself smiling, feeling lighter than he had in weeks -- months -- with the prospect of this happiness actually lasting. He would have started to laugh, but insistent hands had tugged his head to join theirs in a messy, sloppy kiss made up of giggles and questing tongues and everything that worked between all of them.
***
Matt thinks:
Summer is driving away, with your lovers beside you, driving away into the sunset like some big, beautiful, modern fairytale. Summer started with your banged-up car and your banged-up heart, and now one of those is fixed by the girls who you know fill in the gaps in your soul, the left-over pieces you didn't realised you needed until you had them caught, trembling, in your fingers. Summer is ribbons on wrists and hotel rooms that are never silent, not with two soft sets of breathing wrapping around you. Summer is beginnings that are endings that are beginnings that promise to go on and on. Summer is like holding sunlight in your hands and the warmth doesn't fade no matter how dark it is outside.
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