Conversations on a Beach by Janet Deborah stormed out of the house, slamming the door so she wouldn't hear whatever smart remark Faye and Suzan made. She started for home, then changed her mind and headed for the beach. Home meant parents, and she didn't want to deal with anybody right now. She flopped onto the sand and hugged her knees to her chest, looking at the moon and its reflection. "Hi." Deborah turned and glared. Everyone knew to leave her alone when she was in a bad mood, and sitting alone while everyone else was partying was a sure sign she didn't want company. It was Diana, of course. Who else would risk dismemberment to provide emotional support? "Go away." She turned back to the ocean. "Mind if I sit here?" She scowled. "Yes. That's why I said 'go away' and not 'take a seat'." Diana sat anyway, hugging her knees in a mimic of Deborah's position, but she kept her face turned towards her unwilling companion and not the sea. "Want to talk about it?" "No. Shouldn't you be celebrating?" It was the night before graduation, and since most of the Circle were seniors, they had decided to party tonight. There would be a big, official party tomorrow, but tonight everyone was hanging out and goofing off. "I got tired. No one will miss me. What about you? Why'd you leave Faye and Suzan?" "Playing Pizza Man is boring." Diana sighed. "I thought they'd stopped that." "This is a special occasion." The two sat silently for awhile, watching the waves. Then- "Which one do you like?" "What?" Which one what, Deborah thought. "Faye or Suzan. Which one?" "They're both my friends." "I know that. But which one do you _like_?" "I don't know what you're talking about." Diana turned her head to look at Deborah. "It's okay, Deb. I know. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I just thought you'd like someone to talk to." "I'm not gay." "Aren't you?" "Not liking guys doesn't make me gay. Neither does wearing leather or riding a motorcycle." "I like Faye." Deborah, who had started to stand in order to storm off, froze, crouched over. "What?" "I like Faye. I always have. Cassie thinks we're a split soul. She doesn' t realize that that's what soulmates are-one soul, two bodies. Most divided so long ago, before they ever had a body, that no one remembers when they were one. Faye and I divided a little late." Diana's voice was calm, as if the whole thing was purely academic and didn't involve her at all. "Sometimes I wonder if this is our second division. If there's a guy out there who's our soulmate, and we'll have to share him. Or maybe he divided too. But then I think, no, it's just us. That's all we need." Deborah sat back down, gaping. "But you and Adam? The two of you.." "Yes. I loved him. I still do. I thought we'd marry and have a nice house and kids and live happily ever after. When I found out about him and Cassie, I was hurt, but I understood. They have what Faye and I have. And I was relieved. I lost something very important to me, something I'll always miss, but at the same time, I gained my freedom. When Adam left, he took all the expectations, the future, with him, and gave it to Cassie. We were together so long, no one knows what I'll do without him, and so they don't expect anything from me." Deborah didn't know what to say, so she just sat quietly, adjusting to this revelation. Finally, she said "Suzan." "What?" "I like Suzan. Like like. I like them both, really, but Suzan more. My feelings for Faye are the same as everyone else's, because she just radiates sex and no one can help but feel it. Suzan's softer, and generous and gentle, but wicked and fun at the same time. I can protect her, but she doesn't need that protection, she just wants it. Wants someone to take care of her and keep her safe, but who'll still let her be strong and independent, and that's something I can do, better than any of those boys she plays with. And she has the prettiest laugh. I'm not saying I'm in love with her or she's the other half of my soul or anything," she hastily added, "but if I had to choose one, it would be Suzan." She considered it for a second, then added thoughtfully, "Unless I could have both. At the same time." She blushed a little at admitting this private fantasy, but Diana blushed more, so Deborah didn't mind too much. "Wow." Another pause. "I can see that. I've felt things for Suzan too, but not nearly as intense as what I've felt for Faye. She radiates sex too, just in a softer way. She's water to Faye's fire. And both of them together." "Make things steamy," Deborah grinned as Diana started to laugh. "I can't believe you said that!" Deborah laughed. "What? You've never had that fantasy? I know at least half the guys at school have. Doug even told me about his fantasy once, and Chris and Sean sat there nodding and drooling." Diana laughed harder, and Deborah joined in. After they'd laughed themselves out, they lay on their backs, looking up at the stars. "I like Faye's old laugh," Diana said thoughtfully. "Before she learned to laugh low and husky and sultry." "She still laughs like that, sometimes. After she's had a few drinks and it 's just the three of us late at night. Sometimes she'll giggle and laugh and talk in a normal voice, and there's nothing dangerous or sexy about it." Diana sighed. "I never see her like that. We get along better now, but she still keeps her guard up. We're not really friends, we're just not enemies. I envy you. You're close to them. You have that much, at least." "It's not any better," Deborah said. "I have to pretend all the time. I laugh and joke with them and sneer at their boyfriends, pretending it's because their drooling, mindless boys and not because I hate seeing their sweaty hands all over Suzan." She swallowed. "They model for me, sometimes. Show off their new sexy outfits and lingerie, and say I say they look like idiots and sluts, but the boys will love it, and never let them see how much I like watching the fashion show. I don't think I could bear not being near Suzan, but I feel further and further away from her all the time, and this secret just keeps getting bigger and sitting between us, while I act like I don't feel anything, and she doesn't notice anything, and there's nothing I can do about it!" "Why don't you tell her?" "Can't. It'll ruin everything. She'd be disgusted." "You don't know that." "Yes I do. About a month ago, they had a party. Some of the boys brought porn. When they went to turn it on, I went into the kitchen. Didn't feel like watching all those boys get horny and start feeling up anything female, especially since some of them were already hitting on me. But I could hear it, a little, and hear everyone laughing and shouting, and then I heard Suzan. She shouted 'Ew, this is lesbian stuff. Gross! Turn it off.' A lot of the guys objected, but she won, and they put in a different porno." "How'd Faye react?" Diana asked tentatively after a few seconds of silence. "Don't know. Didn't hear her. But if she liked it, she'd have told Suzan to shut up and left it on. And she didn't tease Suzan about it later either." Deborah enjoyed saying that. Diana didn't have any more chance than she did. Diana was silent for a long time, and Deborah started to feel uncomfortable. She tried to think of something to break the silence. "I can't believe you noticed," she said at last. "You weren't that subtle." She snorted. "Subtle enough no one else noticed. Including everyone who thinks I'm gay because I'm too tough to be straight. And those two girls who never have any trouble seeing lust when it's guys ogling them." "They are a little blind, aren't they?" "A little! I kissed Suzan under the mistletoe last Christmas, and she laughed it off! Accused me of having too much to drink when I was completely sober and thought it was just coincidence we were both under the mistletoe when I was magically holding it above her head!" Diana laughed. "Maybe I'll try that. At least I'd get a kiss." They lay there quietly for awhile. Deborah was still adjusting to Diana's confession, and to the fact she'd confessed her own feelings. She felt strangely peaceful and relaxed, a feeling she usually only got after riding her bike for an hour and then just looking out at the ocean from the top of the cliff. No worries, no secrets, no pretending. "Why do you get so upset about people thinking you're gay, when you are?" Deborah scowled, angry her quiet mood had been broken. "Because it's such a stereotype. I don't ride my bike because I'm gay. I'm tough, sure, but that's just me. I'd be the same person if I were straight, or asexual. And people don't think I'm gay because they've seen me looking at other girls. So far, you're the only one to do that. Everyone else, they see me act tough, and think 'she's acting like a guy, so she must like girls.' I'm not a guy, and I don't want to be, and that has nothing to do with who I want to sleep with. And some of the guys are just so convinced they're irresistible that if I don't fall at their feet, I must be a lesbian, because how else could I turn them down? It's stupid, and not fair. Look at you. You're gay, but no one ever thinks that." "I think it has more to do with dating Adam then me not riding a motorcycle." "I don't care. It's not right. And maybe I'm not gay. Maybe I'm bi. Maybe it's only Suzan and Faye and has nothing to do with gender." "Yeah, I understand that. What I felt for Adam was as real as what I feel for Faye, just different." Deborah was tired of ranting and baring her own heart so much, so she changed the subject. "What do you want to do now that you're graduating and aren't stuck with Adam?" "I don't know. College of course, but after that.I'll probably end up staying here with the Circle, finding a nice guy who's okay with me being a witch and settle down. Maybe one of our boys, though I really don't feel anything for them beyond friendship." "What do you _want_ to do?" Diana's voice turned dreamy and soft. "Travel some, then settle down somewhere new, some place a bit more liberal than here, where no one is afraid of me or treats me different. I'd still like to be on the coast though, just somewhere bigger, where I won't stand out as much. Open a shop." "Herbs? Crystals? New Age stuff?" "Art. Sell prints and some of my own work, some supplies. Maybe teach a class or run a gallery." "I didn't know you were that into art." "Of course not. That's not what I'm supposed to want. It's not connected to magic, or to New Salem or my family and friends." Diana was calm and matter-of-fact. She was so accepting it made Deborah sick. "Faye wasn't in that picture." "I can't see Faye in an art store." Deborah couldn't argue with that. Unless it was the kind of art that Diana would never paint or sell. "I want to fly," she said, deciding it was only fair to tell Diana her own dreams. "Really fly, under my own power. I've been looking for a spell that would let me, or at least enchant a broomstick or something. Although I'd enchant my bike. I don't care about college, but I have to go because there's nothing else I can do right now. I don't have enough money to start off on my own, and Mom and Dad made it pretty clear they'll only support me while I'm in school. I want to travel, see everything. Then, after a few years, find a nice town somewhere. Not a city, but someplace bigger than New Salem, but still close to a forest. And I'd just start over. No parents, no Club, no New Salem. No Deborah. I'd change my name." "To what?" "I don't know. That's not the important part. I just want to erase everything and disappear, so no one will ever find me and make me be the tough girl, the rebel who causes trouble and will never amount to anything. That's all I am here." "Not to the Circle." "Yeah, I am. Just like you're the perfect, pure one who'll marry and be a good mother and housewife. And Faye's the femme fatale who'll always land on her feet and have lots of rich old guys giving her money. We all have our roles, and I'm sick of mine. No matter what I do, I'll always be the rebel and the dangerous, untouchable girl who's probably a lesbian. Diana didn't answer for a long time, and Deborah was happy. It gave her the chance to calm down, blink back the tears. She didn't cry, certainly not over something so stupid as what other people thought of her. "You're right. We all have our roles, and we all expect each other to fill them, and we all try to fill ours because that's what's expected of us, even if we don't like it. But we're more than those labels. Yeah, I see you as the tough girl, but I don't think you'll never amount to anything. You're strong and brave and determined. You're more than what everyone sees." A few seconds of silence, then, "And I'm glad I've gotten the chance to see some of that tonight. I'm sorry for putting you in a box. I'll try not to from now on." That was more than Deborah had ever expected from anybody. More than she'd ever gotten from anyone other than Nick, and he never bothered to actually say any of it. "Thank you. And I'm glad I got to talk to you too. It's a relief to have finally said all that. And I know you're more than the perfect princess everyone sees." "Really?" Diana sounded so happy it was almost sad. Deborah grinned. "Really. For one thing, the perfect princess is straight, not lusting after her wicked girl cousin." Diana laughed and stood. "It's getting late. We should head home." Deborah stood too, brushing sand off. "Yeah. But this was nice." Diana nodded. "We should do this again sometime." Deborah smiled, although it was forced. She'd rather just say good-bye than bother with polite promises that would never be kept. "Sure." Diana laid her hand on Deborah's arm. "I mean that Deb. I enjoyed talking to you. I learned a lot about you tonight, and I'd like to learn more. I want to be friends, real friends, not just fellow Club members." Deborah knew Diana meant every word, she just didn't believe it would ever happen. They'd go back to their old lives and old routines, and it would be like this meeting never happened. She didn't want to say that, though; it would hurt Diana. And she didn't want to lie and pretend to agree either, so she did the only thing she could think of. She leaned over and kissed Diana. It was quick and tight-lipped and awkward. She was scowling when she pulled back. Diana smiled. "Is that how you kissed Suzan?" "Yeah. So?" "No wonder she didn't suspect anything." Diana wrapped her arms around Deborah and kissed her softly, lightly coaxing her to respond. Tentatively, she did, leaning into the kiss, putting her arms around Diana's waist, and opening her mouth. It was her first real kiss-mouth to mouth, with both people participating. And it was the first time since she was little that anyone had cared enough, or dared, to hold her. When they pulled back, both blushing, neither spoke. They separated and, with lots of backward glances (Diana stumbled once and Deborah snickered), they went back to their homes. No promises and no plans were made. But now Deborah believed that maybe they could have this again. Maybe she would have someone who would listen and understand, and she wouldn't have to keep this a secret by herself. Maybe she wouldn't be so alone.