Choices by Quartz Shard "I wanted you to come home" Oh my God why did I say that? What am I stupid or something? I had stepped back from the hug with my eyes lowered. I looked down at my painted nails. I had bitten them to the quick. Why did I have these self-destructive compulsions? I, Susan Wittier, princess of beauty was a mess. I hadn't been able to think of anything since Deborah kissed me three months ago. Goddess, what happened that night? It was dark and warm and heady, I remember we were laughing and there was that moment of sparkle that happens every now and then between us...The world went shiner but then that feeling happens with all good friends, right? The reason I didn't have it with Faye was because the girl was such a manipulative bitch. This time the moment lasted longer and we couldn't help it. Next thing I knew we were pressed against each other trying our best to suck out each others last breath. God...she had felt so warm and soft...how when I had fantasized about my perfect lover would feel when I was a little girl. But this shocked me...it felt so good...like falling down an elevator shaft...it was surprisingly dangerous and freeing. My hands went up to curl in her hair before I remembered myself and pushed her arms away. "Why did you do that?" I remembered answering, shocked. I could see my body and the two of us staring at each other for the longest time before Deborah broke away from me and ran out into the street. I had just gaped like an idiot. I spent the next three months banging my head on the pavement...why was I so stupid? "No,...I mean what are you doing here? Now." Deborah looked at me angrily. I must have daydreamed for a minute. She had her arms crossed in front of her chest and her face showed distrust and anger. She wore her usual leather jacket and white tank top underneath it. With a pang I realized Deborah was just as beautiful as she was when she'd left....what scared me was that she seemed less innocent. Where had she gone? Deborah was still resentful of me...I could feel it in the citrine crystal I had around my neck ...it couldn't get through her anger to seduce her. "I don't wanna have to talk about this out here" I motioned to the street. There was a good chance Faye had her faithful little 'friends' watching. And the thought of Faye knowing what I was feeling about Deborah made me uneasy. Deborah was reluctant but she grumbled and shouldered past me and unlocked the door. With the loud thunk of the lock sliding open Deborah stood aside to hold the door open for me. The un-spoken message was clear...She didn't trust me at her back. I walked inside and sat uncomfortably on the brown recliner in the living room. Deborah came in after me lugging three bags which she threw in the middle of the floor. "You want a beer?" "Yea" Deborah clanked around the kitchen before I blinked to see her clank an opened bottle in front of me. I opened my mouth to ask for a glass but before I could voice a request a glass with glass was plopped in my lap. "Thanks" I poured the golden, foul smelling liquid into a cup and sipped on it. My nose wrinkled as I sniffed it. It was Japanese. Deborah plopped down on the couch, slammed a foot on top of the coffee table and took a long gulp of the beer, the bottle never touching her lips. It was like she'd never left home. Somehow this caveman masculinity in Deborah was sexy. I watched her throat muscles contract as she swallowed...her full body stretched out like a cat comfortable in a situation that I was ready to panic in. Deborah looked out the window reflectively for a minute before she noticed I was scrutinizing her. She faced me and raised her eye brows...She looks tired I realized. I shook myself. "Why did you leave?" I needed to know...Deborah gave me a distant look...she seemed to talk outside herself. "Panic, fear, I guess I couldn't face your rejection. I just couldn't think of moving after what happened" Deborah sighed and yes, that was tiredness...I realized all the supposed angry looks were actually weariness. God....if these last three months were a hell of guilt for me what were they for her? Moved, I stood up from my chair and moved over to sit next to Deborah on the couch. I looked down at my hands. I didn't think I could take her scrutinizing look. I moved my hand to touch her shoulder. "You never gave me the chance to choose" Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I was supposed to say I'm sorry and work from there...a clean slate! Bad choice! Deborah looked at me quizzically. She rolled her eyes. "You don't have to do this you know" I was frustrated...there was just no subtle way to tell Deborah you never knew you were in love with her until she was gone. She sighed loudly. "NO! I WANT TO DO THIS" She glared at Deborah who stared at her. I saw something desperate and hurt and that look. Starvation. She was like a starving man the way Deborah looked at her. I realized Deborah needed me as much as I needed her. When she was around I could breath...when she was out I felt like I was missing the air around me. This separation was killing me. I leaned over and kissed Deborah. It was a sloppy kiss but it was so needy neither of us noticed. The world swept away and the genuine need and longing of months of absence was stripped away. God...I missed her smell. Like spicy Mexican food and cinnamon. I pulled back a little out of breath and feeling like I was flying above the world. "If you had given me time to think that night I would have chosen this." Deborah was shocked awake. I stood up and went to the door. Her eyes followed. "Get some sleep, Tomorrow you can tell me what your choice is. Now that I've put you in the same situation you had me in." I walked out. I was in shock and numb...What had I just done? I had a sneaking suspicion that whatever it was....if was both the best thing I could do and the worst....dread and excitement...I didn't care....I made it back to my bedroom before squealing and running up my stairs to fly on my bed and stare dreamily at the ceiling. Butterflies ran rampant in my stomach. I know Deborah would make the right choice...wouldn't she? I woke to the phone ringing. Groggily I rolled over sweaty.....goddess...I slept in my clothes. What time was it? I checked the side clock...red numbers blinked at me...I couldn't believe it. Five am. Pissed I picked up the phone. "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?" Deborah's loud laughter erupted in my ears. Like it did in high school. "Did I wake you up? I'm so sorry." I glared at the phone. Why couldn't it have been Faye or Cassie so I could bawl them out? "s'okay" "I made my choice...I want a relationship with you. I want us to be old together...sharing our next lives together and all that mushy shit" She sounded amused I yawned..."t'has great...I'll see you at five this evening....its too early to talk about love." "Couldn't sleep" I dozed...I felt all warm inside. She was feeling jittery I could tell. "Well...come over and sleep with me" I gave her what she wanted. ",.....okay" She jumped at it. I hung up and rolled over and fell back asleep, smiling...five minutes later Deborah was in my room. Stripping off clothes and she turned off the light. She slid underneath the covers and sought my body. I moved towards her and cuddled. She gripped me tightly, but fell asleep quickly. I woke up at three the afternoon light filtered through the curtains into my room. I glanced into Deborah's open eyes. "Hey" I said "Hey" She was calmer...I realized that for once we were both happy. We didn't leave the bed that day...just spooned until sunset. It was a new day...one that we'd spend together. Standing outside my hand sought hers and our fingers twined together. We'd made the right choice.