Swallowed A Fly (The Comedown Remix)
PG-13. 06/01/2003.

Everyone thinks Harry's some kind of hero, that he's smart and clever and brave, but at the end of the day, he really doesn't know much. He never knows the answers, and if it weren't for Hermione and Ron and all those people helping him, he'd never find them out. When he finds the solution to something, he acts. Just this week he saved Neville from a throttling by Goyle with a simple simulated starvation spell. Turns out, Goyle is afraid of hunger.

Life is a game of Quidditch and if you avoid all the obstacles and keep your eye out for opportunity, you can probably survive. If there's anyone that knows about survival, it's Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived. If he's in trouble, he'll get himself out, one way or another. He's destined for great things, That Harry. We'll watch out for him a bit, read about him in the papers, but he's proven he can look after himself. When he's really in danger, he won't let anyone help him, anyway.

Keep your head down and try not to be noticed. Harry learned all about hiding from the Dursleys, who taught him from the moment he got there that the easiest way to keep food in his belly and welts off his skin was to Be Invisible.

*********

If you can identify who your enemy is, it doesn't mean you know when they'll strike. Anyone can put the pieces together, but that doesn't mean they can read minds. If all you know is their names or faces, what happens when you need to find out who they are?

He thinks that Voldemort wants something from him. Something physical. Something mental. Something spiritual. Right now he's biding his time. He doesn't know when his day will come, but playing the hero once again makes him think he'd rather it be sooner than later. Anything beyond that doesn't matter, because it's uncertain and there's no point worrying about what might never happen.

Living in the present is better than living in the past, but living in the past is better than not living at all.

He can see his entire life set out before him. He might never live to graduate from Hogwarts. He'll save the world again. It'll be just like school except he'll be dead.

He sits in the Great Hall every morning and wonders if something new will happen today. And one day, it does.

*********

"Today we will learn the very useful Ice Burning charm. Can anyone tell me what this charm was most widely used for?"

He huddles down in his seat and hopes not to be seen.

"Mr. Potter?"

"I...I don't know, sir."

"Not studying again, I see? Two points from Gryffindor. For your information, it was used to keep wizards warm during the frigid winters while in hiding from the witchfinders of the 17th century."

"Professor?"

"Yes, Mr. Potter?"

"Were any non-wizards accused of witchcraft?"

"Oh, yes, Mr. Potter. They were in the majority."

"What happened to them? I mean, did anyone--any wizard--do anything to help them?"

"I'm sorry Mr. Potter, but this isn't History of Magic. Now, open your books class..."

*********

His friends can't answer a lot of his questions anymore. Things like being afraid and not knowing how much longer are only mentioned in minor things, like whether they'll win the Cup this year or whether they passed their Potions finals, but that doesn't help him much anyways. For the answers, he's looked through his family photo album and found nothing. He even put on the Invisibility Cloak to eavesdrop on the teacher's lounge. Nothing, just like always.

*********

When Harry died he took with him the innocence of a generation. That's what the paper said, never mind the fact that Voldemort had done most of the taking. Never mind that plenty of other people had died too. Harry had never felt innocent and he couldn't have lived even if he'd tried. Not that he'd tried.

He feels funny as a ghost, he thinks, and he thinks a lot more now because there's nothing else to do. Harry, who never felt he looked particularly interesting, is now shimmery and dramatic-looking. He tries not to be noticeable, floats as close to the floor as he can and still moves his legs like he's walking.

Floating is like regular walking. You want to go there, and you do. Moving your legs is a bit harder, though--you have to think really hard about that.

Hermione tells him that she could bring him back. He knows it would break at least ten laws and would use up all the money he'd left to her.

"No." The answer's immediate, he doesn't even have to think about it. The force of air as he says it makes him drift slightly. "You can't, it's wrong...it must be."

Because Hermione is forever trying to fix everything. Never mind that Dumbledore said ghosts are people who have unfinished business, deeds undone, acts not committed. He's never started anything, always finished it and now he's finished. He thinks the reason why he's still here must be the same reason why he didn't join his parents the first time around.

*********

He's seen Ron every week since he died. This time he tells him to maybe not visit so often. "It just reminds you of Voldemort. Don't worry about me, Ron. I'm happy here."

Ron's forever worrying and repressing, he's the eternal regret, and Harry thinks that if Ron's stopped living for his sake then one of them must have everything backwards.

*********

Harry floats beside Ron, best man at their wedding, and Harry wonders why neither of his friends look happy. But they are Ron and Hermione and they wouldn't ever want him to think they don't need him any more. They wouldn't even want to not need him. He thinks they're better off without him.

They're both so very full of life and love. Not content with what they have, as most living people are. They go home and Harry wanders the halls of his only home left and they visit him at Christmas with little Betty, and Hermione says they would have named her Harry if she'd been a boy. They seem to feel he would want them to honor him that way, and he wonders why anyone would want to be named after him. Everyone knew all along he'd die young.

He asks Hermione: "Didn't you know, that in the end I'd have to leave you two behind?" And Hermione tells him No, no, she always thought he'd be there and they'd always be together and she'll always, always miss him, except that wasn't what he was asking. Did she know they'd be left behind? He still has trouble remembering it's just them and not just Hermione, or just Ron, with Harry somewhere in between.

send feedback