Falling Down Wells for Boys: A Parable
PG. 02/02/2004.

Elena and Matt and Bonnie and Meredith went looking for Stefan. In a well. So they went to the old Morgan place, where previously a horse rancher and his barren wife had lived. But everyone--including the horses--had drowned themselves, and now it was empty, with the well covered up.

So they uncovered the well, but they didn't hear anything, and when Elena accidentally fell in all she found was some dead rotting little girl. Oh, and when Matt pulled her out by a rope she found a videotape on the grass and put it in her purse.

So then they went to the house where the only Japanese people in town lived. They had a daughter who mysteriously disappeared on a regular basis, but nobody ever seemed to worry about her.

They uncovered that well, and this time Bonnie accidentally fell in. And she was magically transported to feudal Japan, and she ran into that missing girl, who was hanging out with this sexy boy with cute furry grey cat ears. But the girl got so sick of hearing Bonnie talk about how cute his furry grey cat ears were that she showed her how to get home, and made her go.

So after Bonnie levitated herself out of the well, they went to the old Francher place. And when they uncovered that well they found Stefan in it, and they pulled him out, and they all went home happy.

The next night Elena threw a big "Glad You Aren't Dead" party, and she decided to turn on that tape she'd found. So she put it in the VCR and everyone watched.

Except for Bonnie, who'd been scared and hid in a wardrobe instead. But she followed it back and back and ended up in the snow standing next to a lamppost. And then a little goat-man showed up and invited her to tea, but instead she screamed and ran away. She ran and ran until she saw a little white rabbit. Its cute furry ears reminded her of that sexy guy with the cute furry grey cat ears, so she tried to catch it. She chased it all the way into its hole.

But then she just fell and fell into a big dark place, until she landed in front of a table where there was a bottle that said "drink me." So she did.

And then she woke up in the wardrobe and realized she'd passed out from drinking too much of Tyler Smallwood's patented Howl at the Moon punch. Which consisted of 90% Night Train and 10% love.

While she was in the bathroom vomiting, Elena came in and told her that she'd missed this really cool movie that everyone else watched earlier. So when Bonnie was done they all watched it again.

Seven days later everyone died. Especially Aunt Judith, because nobody liked her to begin with.

THE END.

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