The Judgement
PG-13. Unfinished. 05/23/2001.

Prologue

"If you don't know how, why pretend?
Maybe you can fool some girls,
but you can't fool Heaven...
Nothing happens. So stop.
Go and make somebody else
Unsatisfied."
--"To the Tune 'Red Embroidered Shoes,'" Huang O; translated by Kenneth Rexroth and Ling Chun

"I was in your cage, little bitty man,
little bitty man who gives me a cage.
I say little bitty because you don't understand me
and never will."
--"Little-Bitty Man," Alfonsina Storni; translated by Marion Freeman

"Come on, Thorny, just let me stay a little longer. I mean, I never see you alone. And-and your parents are out of town and I thought we could..." He turned away, suddenly bashful, it seemed.

Oh no, she thought. Not tonight. She'd gone along with him before, but tomorrow was important. More than he could ever know. What am I going to tell him this time?

He was already looking at her like a piece of rare meat.

There wasn't much she could say that wouldn't get his guard up. He knew what tomorrow was. He had to. It was impossible to forget. The next day was the one-year anniversary of Julian's...

Her mind kept her from even thinking the word. There was just too much pain.

She looked at Tom and smiled. "Okay," she answered, twirling her ponytail with her hand teasingly. "But you can't stay the night. You know my neighbors. They wake up at the crack of dawn, and they'd tell Mom and Dad everything."

Now he looked hungry--but it wasn't the kind of hungry she wished she was seeing. When Tom got that look, it made it all seem so... dirty.

He moved in and kissed her clumsily, and it was beginning all over again. Was there supposed to be such monotony? No. No....She thought of a soft touch on her hair, and kisses like fire and ice. No. There was something more. Please let it be so.

Yes. There he was in her mind, clad in black shimmer, eyes glowing steadily, a caress that burned like fire on her cheek...

Feeling Tom's meaty hands on her body, his coarse flesh against hers, she could almost imagine it was something--someone--else entirely.

**************************

Much later that night, she heard the front door close behind him. Blissfully alone, at last. She wished she hadn't had to do that. But then again, there were a lot of things she wished she hadn't done. Come morning, come daybreak, she would try to make up for some of them...

Chapter One

"So when The Bible says God seperated light
from darkness--meaning darkness is not
the abscence of light--the answer to the question
'What is the opposite of light?'
turns out to depend on who's doing the talking
and who they're talking to."
--"The Tao of Light," Jack Myers

"When I hear your name
I feel a little robbed of it;
it seems unbelievable
that half a dozen letters could say so much...
And I'll go to the other world with your name on my tongue,
and all their questions I'll answer with your name"
--"When I Hear Your Name," Gloria Fuertes; translated by Philip Levine and Ada Long

Jenny awoke at dawn. She quickly rolled out of bed and moved to the large window in her room. In one sharp gesture, she snapped open the curtains, letting the growing light spread over her bare skn. For the last six months of her life, in just this way, she had performed the seeking ritual--but today, there was already a sense of waiting in the air, hanging about, silent, like birds just before sunrise. Today her efforts would come to fruition. Smiling, Jenny breathed deeply and let the trance come over her. It washed through her mind, a wave of peace over the breakers of turmoil in her heart.

Bathed in the bluish light of the not-yet-risen sun, eyes set on the horizon, she began:

"Eos, sister of Moon and Sun, guardian of the gateway, She-who-admits--Recieve me!"

Jenny knelt down in supplication, being careful to hold her head high, knowing the Gods despised weakness above all else. She spoke in a firm, clear voice, neither boastful nor pleading:

"Eos, mother of night and day, She-who-is-neither:
Now, in Thy height of power,
Encompass me!
Know my quest, keeper of darkness, bringer of light--
Give me Thy guidance, Thy will and protection.
Make known to me that which I seek."

Here the proper signs were made in the air, with steady, confident hands. She felt her web of power build, rise, and then peak.

"Eos, Thou-who-art-two-and-yet-none,
I invoke Thee!"

She closed her eyes, gracefully rising, with her hands above her head, standing now. And slowly, so slowly... it was growing within her. She felt the presence rise in ripples up from the base of her spine, making tension shiver through her body, colors exploding behind her eyes. It was a--a crackling that went through her, a harmless, joyous, ecstatic electricity. She was a lightning rod, filling with pure, divine energy; she drank it up, feeling her body absorbing it and accepting it. Then the Goddess was within her mind. It was an amazing, impossible feeling. She felt infinite, and yet limited. Eternal, yet impermanent. Infinitely important, yet incredibly insignificant. One with the All, reunited with the Universe.

And Eos spoke through her. The words whispered and roared their way out of her mouth, seeming to be a thousand voices blended together, though somehow small and musical, at the same time. Jenny gave in completely, listening, allowing herself to be a perfect vessel.

"That which you seek is nearer than you would believe, though still beyond your far-reaching influence. Today is an auspicious day. Today you shall weep for both sorrow and joy. Today all goals will be sought, and all that is truly desired shall be attained. But that which you would have, that which you have long sought after, that which you hold nearest to you in times of turmoil and pain, all that has been so near and allowed to slip through your fingers, may only be grasped for a single moment, now and forever. Let it be when the Sun, the all-seeing eye, has reached its apex; let it be then, or not be at all. Child, though you have forgotten, remembered, and suffered much, the road is long and arduous. Know that there must, is, and always shall be a balance between the light and the darkness. Know too, that I am the center, the perfect balance; all that shall be accessed between must be offered from me. Hold this close, my child, for eternity is without kindness, and the future is broken in shards."

I was so easy to simply sink into the trance, to float away on a fuzzy bubble of perfect contentment. That couldn't happen. Jenny concentrated, making sure each word was seared deep into her memory. So strange... Her greatest hopes were confirmed, but...they almost sounded like a warning...

Suddenly the Goddess was gone from her. Her eyes flew open and...

"Oh, Gods. Julian...."

The sky was lit up in the most brilliant, luminescent shade of blue--what she would have once called impossible, but now accepted with a grateful heart. What would the world be like if she never saw that miraculous color again?

Something cut her deep through her middle (a shard?) and suddenly the long-suppressed tears were flowing, swift and sure. She knelt there, sobbing, crying for all lost things, as the birds began their song, and Eos, Lady of Dawn, gave up her reign to the Sun.

***************************

Jenny climbed out of the shower, caramel hair hanging over her shoulders in damp, tangled waves. Walking to her closet, she shuffled through it, struggling, as the small space was stuffed with too-long lacy skirts and frilly tops. With a sad, wistful smile, she lifted out the box, which had been hidden deep in the back. Dropping it down on the bed, she opened it with trembling fingers, carefully holding its contents up to the light.

Reverently, she whispered: "It's good to see you again, old friend."

It was the dress. The liquid gold sparkled in the now-bright sunlight. Laying it to rest back on the bed, she nervously checked her watch. It read: 9:23. Noon seemed an eternity away.

It's a good thing it is, too. There was much to be done before then.

Jenny pulled out the matching shoes, and then proceeded to dress. She savored every moment, letting her thoughts drift back again to that night....

"'I like the dress,' he continued, as if she hadn't spoken. 'In a purely aesthetic sense, of course. And I like your hair like that. It makes you look wild and beautiful.'"

Fully dressed, brushing her hair out to golden silk, Jenny paused. Why was she doing this again? She realized she was automatically doing the same thing she had done with Tom: doing what she thought he liked. But would Julian even want me like that anymore? Hurrying to her bedside dresser, she scrambled throught he drawer and found the ring she had carefully hidden there, slipping it onto her bare finger. She reminded herself of the inscription:

I am my only master.

So she started again, finally deciding to keep the dress and wild hair, but to take off those bloody stilettos. The Gods would probably laugh me right out of the Court if I wore them anyway. Finally, satisfied, barefoot, and clad in her own form of armor, she made her way to the kitchen.

Damn, those Cocoa Puffs looked tempting. But no, all the sources said that fasting was a necessity. Alright then, she would just begin on the letter.

Jenny had decided a long time ago that no one would know what happened. She had planned everything so carefully, down to this last detail. It would make it sound like a runaway--or a suicide. Poor Mom and Dad... But yet, she really didn't feel so bad for them. Those two wanted to lock her up anyway. And the others... well, they'd had worse happen, she supposed. They'd live. And maybe she could tell them one day. That was a nice thought, though it was most likely impossible...

She signed it simply: Jenny. There. That was done. Now on to the more important matters. The preparations for noon.

She already had everything she would need. Going into the living room with all the items piled in her arms, she arranged them in their proper places on the coffee table.

Seven candles, representing the seven of the Court; two on either side, three arranged in a line down the middle. Next, the wand. Carved out of a hawthorn branch, it was scrawled with magickal symbols--the Greek alphabet, Theban, and Ogham, among others. But no runes. Oh, no, of course not. They were much too powerful symbols for use on a paltry magickal wand...

Very little was needed for the ritual. Jenny had quickly learned that only the preparatory rituals are complex; the final result was usually surprisingly simple. After so much hard work and devotion, all that was required was to let the magick speak through you. The most common mistake--and, she suspected, that of her grandfather--was to try to create or make magick, rather than uncovering it like buried treasure.

And now there was but one item left--the robe. Jenny unfolded it from its hand-sewn pouch, filled with mystical herbs and blessed stones, and let the equally hand-stitched black velvet cloth slip over her dress. A blanket of power seemed to instantly cover her.

She glanced again at her watch again. 11: 36. There was still time left, and there was nothing to do but wait, and hope.

She slid to her knees, shrouded in black on the cream-colored carpet. She lifted the hood securely over her head, so that the only thing revealed was her flushed face. Silently, she closed her eyes, drawing herself into a deep, meditaton-induced trance, and waited.

**************************

The hour had come. She drew herself up, casting her wand in a circle around her, then in the four cardinal directions. She chanted German low under her breath, and made the right signs with her unoccupied hand.

Sweat trickled down her forehead by the time she had finished the summoning of the elements.

Continuing her chants, slowly raising the volume and tone, she very slowly rose to her feet. The Power raised with her, enveloping the area like a thick blanket. The chant was quickening becoming a loud, crazed murmering, and the Power was beginning to practically whirl around her.

It was time.

Jenny opened her eyes, and raised the wand straight up into the air.

"Court of the Gods, Powers that be,
I am drawn to thee on the count of three!"

Now the Power seemed as if it was spinning, and the room with it. She felt a jolt as she screamed out the numbers over the whirring sound it made....

...She was gone, floating in pure, unfathomable darkness...

...And then she was there. She got a quick glimpse of high thrones towering around her, of pillars that raised to the invisible ceiling, when the voice rang out.

"Why do you call us here, Child?"

END OF FRAGMENT

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