Virtue
PG-13. 08/24/2001.

"No one leaves for heaven anymore,
that ill-lit, inhospitable
planet the color of eggshell,
sick with candles and flowers.
It empties itself of all things outlandish,
that is its purpose."
--"Physics," Chase Twichell

It wasn't supposed to happen this way. It's like...It's like everything's backwards, and I'm standing here and it's like my mom all over again. There's nothing I can do. And I'm the Slayer. I'm the one who makes everything better, makes all the monsters go away. Yeah, right.

I was supposed to be gone before you. I mean, there's only meant to be one of us at a time. Ever. One after another, dying and being called in some kind of vicious cycle. But it didn't work that way, and I'm still here, Faith, and you're dead and there's no changing that.

I'm standing in the doorway of the hospital room, wondering why everyone has to die on me but I have to keep living. Damn. They kept you locked up in that cell almost right 'til the end, only to move you into another kind of cell, a cold sterile room in a clean generic hospital. This place is everything you hated, I know. You spent too long in Sunnydale General after I almost killed you to want to be in a hospital again. You shouldn't have gone out like this.

I never told you a lot of things, Faith. I had to be good, because that's how they brought me up and that's who I am. I couldn't tell you all I wanted to or be honest or even nice. And I had to kill you, I had to be tough and kill the only person who understood me completely. Even though I didn't succeed, I had to try, because "true love conquers all" and there were just things I had to do. I never really wanted to hurt you, Faith. I had to because it was my duty.

But I wanted to be you. I wanted to want, take, have, and not care what they thought. Sometimes I knew exactly how you felt, and I wanted to just sink into your skin and dance like there was no tomorrow. Of course, if I'd done that, there wouldn't have been a tomorrow, so maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself--except now there really won't be a tomorrow for you.

I don't know how to tell you what I need to. I never have, but I've got to do it now because there won't be another chance to say it to your face. So I guess I'll try again.

I wanted you, Faith. I wanted to own you, body and soul, to be part of your weird twisted leather and red lipstick world. But I mean, we're both girls and it just...I just didn't think it would work. I just ended up sort of...settling for what I got. It was almost enough, being in your body like that for a little while. I could almost pretend I really was you. I almost didn't want my own body back.

I'd already screwed everything up by then. I let you down in a thousand different ways, and then I freaking killed you. Or I might as well have. I did it all for a boyfriend, for a lover who couldn't even stick by me when things were getting rough. I should have stuck by you, instead.

Faith, I'm just sorry everything ended up this way. I know it's a little late to start confessing everything like this, but...I just felt it needed saying, even if I didn't say it in time. Mom used to tell me that faith is a virtue, and now it's one I'll never have.

Fin.

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